


The First Stage

by EllenOfOz



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Dean Winchester in Denial, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Flashbacks, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, just sadness, no happy ending, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:49:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27451522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllenOfOz/pseuds/EllenOfOz
Summary: Dean's phone buzzes again, but he can’t pick it up, can’t bear to even think about what should come next. He thought it had been bad last time, when Lucifer had...when Cas had...It has nothing on this.(Coda for 15x18)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 57
Kudos: 293
Collections: Destiel is Canon - 15x18 Codas, SPN Finale "Destiel is CANON" Collection





	The First Stage

**Author's Note:**

> This coda is mostly to sort my own thoughts on how Dean might be feeling post-Despair. 
> 
> Thanks to [thatpeculiarone](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatpeculiarone) for convincing me this was worth sharing ❤

_ “You’ve changed me, Dean.” _

Dean’s not sure how long it’s been, but he can’t seem to move. 

The image of the black sludge slurping out of the wall and surrounding Cas, pulling him away from Dean even as he smiled, replays in his head over and over. 

His phone buzzes again, but he can’t pick it up, can’t bear to even think about what should come next. He thought it had been bad last time, when Lucifer had...when Cas had...

It has nothing on this.

He feels bruised inside, and he’s not sure how much of it is from what Billie did to him earlier, and how much is from what just happened.

_ “I love you.”  _

He might have already been on the back foot from all the things Cas had uttered before that, but those three words, with his blue eyes spilling over and sparks behind him from the sigil on the door... Dean is still reeling from the shock of it. 

Cas loves him? Why? The things he’s said to Cas over the years, the awful things he’s done to him…and still? 

How long has it been for Cas? Cas has always looked at him like he was seeing into his soul, like he was the centre of the universe. No one else has ever looked at Dean the way Cas does. 

Memories start to flicker as he allows the enormity of it to sink in.

_ “Why does that something always seem to be you?” _

His own words echo in his head as Cas’ face turns away, broken, hurt. Dean had lashed out at him, and he’s regretted it ever since.

The angel standing on a dark road, bloody blade in his hand and a reaper’s body splayed on the gravel. 

_ “I won’t let you sacrifice yourselves. You mean too much to me.” _

The stupid bastard had no issue with sacrificing himself though. Again. Dean drags in a ragged breath.

A running river, grimy sunlight filtering through grey trees. 

_ “I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them, to—to keep them away from you.” _

He still remembers that particular gut punch, when he’d realised just how far his guardian angel was willing to go for him. He should have known. He should have seen it then. Why hadn’t he?

The dusty inside of Rufus’ cabin.

_ “Nobody cares that you’re broken, Cas. Clean up your mess.” _

He hadn’t meant that. Regretted saying it immediately. Something tightens inside his chest, and he clutches at it, gasping for breath as the memories roll on.

Another memory, of a blank hospital room, an angry angel in his face. 

_ “I did it, all of it, for you, and you failed.”  _

He aches. Of course he failed Cas, over and over. And he’s done it again. He covers his face with his hands, pressing his fingers into his eyelids. 

Sparks flashing in a broken barn. A creature, older than ages, far larger than the rumpled man he's contained in, standing in front of him.

_ “Good things do happen, Dean.” _

And now he’s gone.  _ The _ good thing, the best thing to happen to Dean. And once again, it’s Dean’s fault.

And there was no time to tell Cas that he loves him too, with all of his being. Has for years. 

Always will.

A fresh sob breaks free from his aching throat, and he dashes tears away from his face again with his right sleeve. He should be angry. He should call Sam. But he’s just...so tired. 

He throws his head back, letting it thunk against the bricks behind him, barely registering the pain. Why didn’t Cas say anything about this fucking deal? They could have worked something out, like they always do. They could have...

A sound in the bunker, somewhere upstairs. He can hear Sam and Jack calling his name, but he’s paralysed, his back against the wall, legs splayed out in front of him.

“Dean?” Sam rushes over, kneeling beside him.

Dean can barely raise his eyes to his brother—they feel itchy, but he long ago ran out of tears. 

A sharp intake of breath, before Sam says, “What, is this...blood?”

Dean’s eyes follow numbly to where Sam is gripping the sleeve of his shirt. There’s a red smear there, almost in the shape of…of…

A choked cry falls from his mouth before he can stop it, and he barely hears Sam ask carefully, “Dean, where’s Cas?”

He lifts his eyes to Sam’s worried face once again, and manages to rasp out, “He’s gone.”

Well, look at that. Turns out he does have some tears left in him, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. Sam, Jack and Dean have each lost everything, and they're in the dark pit of despair where it looks like all is lost.
> 
> But this isn't the end. It's just the first stage. 
> 
> Next comes anger, and the drive to action, and I'd recommend [thatpeculiarone's excellent short coda](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27453532) for a taste of that.


End file.
